The past few weeks, I've been eating about 800 Calories or less a day (most days are actually closer to 500). Today, I lost count. I planned to eat a whole bunch because, hey, it's the first day of spring, and I should probably start eating normally again.
I ate too much.
The thing is, I probably ate close to 1600 Calories, but for my shrunken stomach, that's like a Man vs. Food competition.
It fucking hurts. Not just physically, but emotionally. The voices in my head are screaming, "WHALE. FAT. DIE. UGLY. CELLULITE."
I'm not sure if I should be disgusted by my eating, or by the fact that I'm disgusted when I eat a normal amount of food.
One thing is for sure: seeing my rib cage again, not seeing a bloated belly when I look down, seeing I've lost a few pounds...it's all perversely exhilarating. I don't want to go back to feeling fat. But I know that when I start eating again, even more weight is going to come back.
I really hate my body sometimes.
I hate my mind even more.
