why I hate eating

The past few weeks, I've been eating about 800 Calories or less a day (most days are actually closer to 500).  Today, I lost count.  I planned to eat a whole bunch because, hey, it's the first day of spring, and I should probably start eating normally again.
I ate too much.
The thing is, I probably ate close to 1600 Calories, but for my shrunken stomach, that's like a Man vs. Food competition.
It fucking hurts.  Not just physically, but emotionally.  The voices in my head are screaming, "WHALE. FAT. DIE. UGLY. CELLULITE."
I'm not sure if I should be disgusted by my eating, or by the fact that I'm disgusted when I eat a normal amount of food.
One thing is for sure: seeing my rib cage again, not seeing a bloated belly when I look down, seeing I've lost a few pounds...it's all perversely exhilarating.  I don't want to go back to feeling fat. But I know that when I start eating again, even more weight is going to come back.
I really hate my body sometimes.
I hate my mind even more.

why I love and hate the month of January

At some point during the winter break, I get restless.  I start to get jittery with anticipation to return to the school year.  During high school, finals took place in January.  In college--especially at Saint Mary's--there are some other things to worry about.  Actually, one thing.  One BIG thing.

We call it Jan Term.  For the month of January, students are required to take one course and put in the same amount of work, if not more, as they would for a regular semester.  So we fit three months of coursework into one month.  I thought originally that I would have more free time, but the opposite remains true.  There is no time to fool around and play Just Dance.  No time to go ice skating.  Barely any time to make a blog post.

So anyways.  If you are ever considering going to Saint Mary's College of California or sending your kid there, just know that Jan Term is a lot of hard work.